


Apologies, Mistakes, and Help

by MythMonarchOfDarkness



Series: Mental Snapshots [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Crying, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Hurt Morality | Patton Sanders, Hurt No Comfort, Insecure Morality | Patton Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, Morality | Patton Sanders Needs a Hug, Morality | Patton Sanders Tries, Morality | Patton Sanders-centric, My First Work in This Fandom, Please be nice, Post svs2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:13:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23991346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MythMonarchOfDarkness/pseuds/MythMonarchOfDarkness
Summary: Patton has his own breakdown after Putting Others First over his mistakes and the pain they have caused Thomas and others.This is a third person look at Patton's thoughts so it should kinda read like a run-on sentence. AKA I absolutely murdered grammar and I am not sorry. (Yes I am.)
Series: Mental Snapshots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1744693
Comments: 12
Kudos: 58





	Apologies, Mistakes, and Help

_“I’d love for someone to ruin Thomas’s entire life one apology at a time.”_  
_“One of the biggest factors … is whether or not they seem to be making an honest effort to do better.”_

Patton, curled up in a blanket nest on the floor of his darkened room, is scared. His attempts to do better might be a factor but that wasn’t enough, that didn’t change the fact that he had been, no likely still is, hurting Thomas. There’s a chance that not only is he hurting Thomas but Janus said it's possible to ruin Thomas's entire life with his constant mistakes and apologies. 

Patton needs to talk to someone. He needs to figure out how to stop this from getting worse. Stop Patton from making it worse. Patton can’t just leave, Virgil had already proved how bad of an idea that was, so Patton needs to fix this without leaving. The problem, Patton has no idea how. Patton's last attempt to fix things basically crashed Thomas’s plane. Patton needs help. Patton needs someone to help him work things out, to talk to.

Patton’s first thought is Logan, no. Logan’s mad at him for cutting him off. Stupidly, cruelly cutting him off. It doesn’t matter how distressed Patton was, he should have known better. Patton curls into a tighter ball, hands clenched, pressing on his head, mentally berating himself. Just another apology that Patton has to give, just another bad, no, toxic thing Patton’s done, that Patton has to stop from ever doing again. Besides Logan’s trying to calm Roman down.

Roman. Roman won’t be willing to talk with Patton either. Patton had tried to talk with Roman, to comfort him, but when Roman had opened his door to see Patton, he just yelled at Patton to leave, to go. It had scared Patton, Patton had never been scared of Roman, never. But then, at that moment, Roman’s anger, the way his hand twitched as if about to summon his sword and strike, Patton was terrified. Patton knows this was his fault too. If Patton had been better, hadn’t been so bad, Roman would never have been in that position, wouldn’t have spiraled. Because Patton had been so insistent on having the answers, on insisting he knew when he didn’t, on pretending there was no problem, there was too much pressure on Roman, he snapped.

No he can’t talk to Roman, can’t burden him further by asking him for help, not after what just happened. Tears slipped from Patton, wheezing sobs accompanying them.

Virgil understood right? He had thought that he caused nothing but problems for Thomas, had even left because of it, something that Patton craves horribly at this moment, disappearing, not being the problem anymore. No, that would just cause a new, probably worse problem. Sure Virgil had never made mistakes like Patton’s, nowhere near as big, as painful, as damaging. But Virgil knew the feeling, mentally he had been in a place similar to Patton’s right now, right? He would surely understand, help Patton to become better. 

Patton’s sobbing dying down slightly, a small twitch of Patton’s lips. Before a widening of his eyes, his body trembling. No, not Virgil, Virgil has been angry with Patton sense Remus made himself known. Patton doesn’t know for sure why. Virgil never said. But Virgil has sent more than a few barbed comments in his direction. With the number of mistakes Patton’s made recently Virgil’s probably right to do so and Patton, Patton has no idea which mistake he needs to apologize for, not to Virgil.

Who else? Janus? Janus was the one who realized Patton was hurting Thomas, realized _how_ Patton was hurting Thomas. He was the one who pointed out how bad continuous apologies could affect Thomas. _Ruin Thomas’s entire life_. Janus clearly knows what Patton is doing wrong so maybe that means he knows how to help.

Patton’s trembling slows, hands unclenching from their places within his hair allowing him to chew the thumbnail between his gasping breaths as the other arm squeezes between his legs and stomach to wrap across his abdomen. A small attempt at self comfort.

Patton and Janus had had- a small, almost hysterical, gasping giggle _had had_ \- an okay conversation once Patton had calmed down. Which meant Janus was okay talking to him, right? Janus had gone through the trouble to point out some of what Patton is doing wrong, that probably means Janus wants him to fix it. Would Janus actually want to help him though? Patton hopes so because he can’t think of anyone else and he can’t fix himself alone, not without making things worse, Patton’s proved that already.

Patton sits up, wrapping his soft blanket- well softest in immediate reach anyway- around himself trying to ignore his wheezing breaths and gasping sobs, the water wetting his cheeks.

Wait. Janus’s room is in the darker area of the mind. Patton doesn’t know the placement of the rooms there, he doesn’t know where Janus’s room is, he can’t sink into a place he doesn’t know the placement of.

He knows where their ‘common room’ is. He was there once, common locations don’t tend to change all that much. Patton can go there. But, then one of the other _Others_ \- that’s what Virgil called them right? Roman just made up the term Dark Sides, but Virgil had been there- might find him instead.

Remus, if he found Patton, likely couldn’t or wouldn’t help, Patton doesn’t know which and frankly does not want to think about how many more mistakes he has made with just Remus. Remus might take Patton to Janus, if he felt like it.

Patton doesn’t know the others that live down there well, having never met or seldom interacted with any of them. He does not know what they might do upon finding him.

It’s a risk, but Thomas can’t afford for Patton to keep screwing up like this, how many more apologies until Patton is _ruining Thomas’s life?_

Patton’s breathing is finally calming down enough that his breaths are no long gasps and wheezes. Patton uses a hand, covered in the same soft blanket that lies across his shoulders, to dry his face as he sinks out from his own shadow covered room and rises into the Others Common Room.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this! Please feel free to leave suggestions or constructive criticisms in the comments. This is my first work so all help is appreciated.


End file.
